I’ve been listening to this a lot this week. You can tell by the text in the upper left corner, and by the startling voiceover saying ’snake’, that it’s the official video.
Thanks 2 Drew 4 heads up.
I love to watch Jeopardy, especially at the gym, where I yell out the answers to my private television as loud as I can. Also, Alex Trebek is racist and sexist. Whenever a woman under 30 is on the show, he calls her “Young lady,” or “Little lady,” and when the contestants are all women, he makes some comment like, “Well, ha ha ha! I know one thing, and that’s that tonight’s winner will be a woman.” All of which is pretty benign. BUT I noticed this many years ago when there was some kind of children’s tournament and there was a black girl on the show. He asked them all what they wanted to be when they grew up, and the girl said a doctor, and without missing a beat Trebek said, “Oh, like the Eriq La Salle character in ER!” and the little girl smiled vacantly because obviously she didn’t watch ER because she was a child. Anyway, this stuff happens on every episode of Jeopardy, which is a pretty terrific show except when Trebek pronounces words in French. Also I would love to go on Jeopardy.
What are your bad habits? Picking your nails? Drinking? Rape? I found out about this cool time when someone found a unicorn skeleton. I wrote about a similar theme earlier when I went to the American Museum of Natural History and saw a mermaid in the Mythical Creatures exhibition that was made out of a monkey and a fish. Check this fact:
You know how sometimes you have those dreams in which something vaguely normal but really depressing happens, like your dad died or an animal is going to come out your butt, and you feel really very seriously upset, and you wake up and it’s so amazing and such a gift that it was just a dream?
Last night I had two nightmares: the first one I was hiding on a roof in the middle of the night from the killer who was throwing frisbees with razors on their edges on me, and I had to crouch and put my hands over my neck so I wouldn’t get beheaded, but that was more of an adventure dream because it turned into a horror mystery movie at camp.
But the much scarier and more upsetting dream was one in which I was confined to my bed in Cambridge (where I grew up), but sometimes I would get up and stagger around my room, and the problem was that within the past week I had grown 10 inches, but in weird places like my forearms and my torso and my shins, so I looked like a spindly Tim Burton cartoon or a praying mantis, and all these doctors kept coming in and saying I was like a monster.
At one point I was looking up into the face of one of the doctors and I whispered to him, “But I’ve been 5′6″ for the past ten years,” and he looked down at me and said, “Not anymore.”
During another part I said, “Well at least I’m really skinny now, right?” And it was kind of a joke to make the mood a little lighter, but then one of the doctors shone a mirror on me and said, “No, you’ve actually become much fatter,” and it turns out he was right.
Here’s an excerpt from a letter I got at my job today.
Sorcerer’s are attacking the world! (Sarcasm) [sic]
“The world is coming to an end! And we are in the sorcery age, where rape is no longer a crime because even the authorities are butt-raping us! … The polygraph will never be used to test a thousand people to see if there are sorcerers butt-raping the world of the good people, and yes, with the sorcery being so bad, people will be butt-raped during the polygraph testing by a sorcerer who is miles away. …
“‘Its okay to be butt-raped!’ the kings and presidents say by allowing this worse evil to happen in the world. It is an evil that has butt-raped the world! … We can assume even president Bush has been butt-raped or think-lined pulled (raped by sorcery powers), along with his daughters, by the sorcerer who threatens their calls-looks (sorcery connections) …
“…God bless our entertainers who have been butt-raped, but have kept silent in the world, and God bless the cops for ‘think-lining’ (raping) us when we do decide to report this evil … God bless the lie detector test for allowing us to question our police officers of the law, to find answers to our questions to see if they will be the officer that butt-rapes us today, and God bless you sorcerer for snout-licking my beautiful wife? (snout licking: to connect for reasons of rape and devouring).
“…May evil keep feeding us with voices, and may call-world, the sorcery-network, let man stay single sleeping next to their cartoon cell-phone vagina, that your neighbor’s father is wearing. You disgusting worthless piece of shits in the world!”
And then there is a series of codes to protect the world from sorcerer rapists, such as:
“It is okay to masturbate, just do it away from raping anyone, masturbate with love, or don’t masturbate. … Attn: Do not be connected to people through sorcery powers while masturbating. It is okay to admire beauty, but it is not okay to lust, or beast finger women vagina’s, unless it is your wife.
“Do not sorcery-network heal or teach, that leads to ways in butt-raping and kidnapping. This includes sorcery-play-dating. We’re only suppose to be one with God and our one. We do not need to be having sex with demon shadows, nor should we be molested by a sorcerer’s shadow. Just say no to hum-ups…
[In conclusion] “… And like the Bible says: Love your enemy that is butt-raping us. Turn the other cheek. … Bless the day when man will walk from being paralyzed, the day when limbs will grow, and the deaf will hear, with diseases being cured, it’ll be a day we all party like it’s the year 2999. …”
The letter was accompanied by this:
“Dear Editors of ‘The L’ Magazine … If you have any questions or if there is any need for corrections, or would like further detail, please contact [redacted mailing address].”
But I can’t contact him because he only included an address in South Carolina, but then says “I am now a resident in New York, so I am local to the Manhattan, New York area.” OK, there is also a telephone number but I am not going to call that in case the phone B-R’s me.
Fortunately this person did send it to the right magazine, though.
