How to Making Friends
Wednesday, February 20th, 2008Recently I’ve been thinking about the ways I got people to like me when I was in elementary school.
One way I tried to get girl friends was by insisting I knew real people with names like Chlamydia. “No seriously, my cousin went to school with this girl whose parents didn’t speak English and they thought it was a pretty word so they named her Diarrhea. I am serious; her name is Diarrhea.”
If anyone asked me, “Why didn’t the nurse writing the name on the birth certificate tell the lady it meant poop?” I’d say that the family insisted she be named Diarrhea because they wanted her to have a beautiful English name so she would fit in with Americans, and that the nurse was like, Fine.
This started when an older girl convinced me that her friend went to preschool with a girl whose full name was Vagina Lips. I think up until age 18 I was telling people I knew a girl named Vagina Lips.
No but seriously though, my doctor’s name is Doctor Butt. I went to his office and said, “I have an appointment with… Doctor…Butt?” and the woman was like “What? What are you saying?” And I figured I was pronouncing it wrong, hopefully, so I said, “Doctor Buuuh—” and she said, “Just point at the name of the doctor you want,” because there was a list of the doctors who worked there. So I pointed at Dr. Butt’s name and she said, “Oh, Doctor Butt.”
