Alistair the Vampire: An Excerpt
Taking a break from the food art for a moment… This is an excerpt from a longer piece I’m writing about a vampire named Alistair.
It had been a long day (night) and Alistair was unwinding with a glass of wine. Because he couldn’t digest anything other than blood, he was just taking sips before spitting them out. At first he spat them in arcs onto the floor, but after a while he got tired and just drizzled them down the front of his blouse. “Cheers, world,” he said, raising his glass, wobbling it in the darkness. “Cheers to being a fucking horrible place to live.” He then threw the glass to the floor, where it shattered into hundreds of glittering shards, each of which reflected the television’s eerie blue-white glow. “Fuck you, fucking Celtics,” Alistair slurred. “Fuck! Mother fuckaaar!” He threw the remote at the screen, but it was a weak throw and the remote just bounced off. “I’m sorry,” Alistair sobbed, putting his hand over his face. “I’m sorry. It’s fine, it’s fine. It’s fair. I know it’s fair. I just fucking—fuck. Fuuu—huuuck!!!!” he bellowed upward, ripping off his ascot with his long fingernails, tearing open his shirt and falling to his knees. The TV’s pale light glinted on his fangs as Ray Allen, Paul Pierce and the rest of the Celtics hugged their rivals good-naturedly. When Alistair collected himself, he returned his focus to the screen and was, once again, overwhelmed by the amazing sportsmanship his preferred basketball team showed its opponents. “God they’re gentlemanly,” he whispered, his voice ragged. Then he shut off the TV with his remote and climbed solemnly into his coffin.
May 19th, 2009 at 7:24 am
This is really good. Does the wine make him drunk even though he doesn’t drink it? Or is he just slurring with despair?
Also, food art: http://www.woostercollective.com/2009/05/shit_were_diggin_ginou_choueiris_potato.html
May 19th, 2009 at 7:41 am
Hm, that’s a good question. I’m actually not sure, but I think he is actually drunk somehow. But I have to figure that out.
Also, those potatoes are SCARY!
May 19th, 2009 at 9:29 am
Maybe he’s drunk from drinking the blood of winos or heavily medicated house fraus. Just a theory.
Suggestion: Have him tally the glass shards like that vampire on Sesame Street. Then it would have some educational value for the youngsters.
May 20th, 2009 at 12:50 pm
I think it’s spelled ‘haus fraus’.
May 22nd, 2009 at 12:09 am
More writing please Edith!
May 22nd, 2009 at 7:48 am
My dictionary has it at ‘hausfrau’ — one word. But it looks funky that way.
May 24th, 2009 at 1:03 pm
This is fucken funny.
June 2nd, 2009 at 11:17 pm
yay
June 16th, 2009 at 1:28 pm
I’m thinking that Alistair’s favorite team got vamped by magic.
June 29th, 2009 at 2:11 am
i believe vampire has and i wand to know it is really now has/
July 1st, 2009 at 1:28 pm
This is really good. “It had been a long day (night)” is a perfect opener.
July 1st, 2009 at 1:31 pm
Thanks, Liz!
July 12th, 2009 at 8:32 pm
That would be great if you made like an apple Alistar.
November 20th, 2009 at 5:06 pm
I think he’s just acting drunk because he remembers what it’s like to drink wine. It’s like if you give some college kids non-alcoholic beer and say it’s real.
Or with that wine-drinking skeleton in the “Last Unicorn.”
Oh God, I’ve said too much.