Hospital
Do you ever wish you woke up in the hospital? All your loved ones would be there, and a doctor would look down at you with a serious expression and say, “You were in a very serious accident, and unfortunately we had to make several major amputations. We removed both your arms and your legs, and we also removed your complete torso and upper body.” You’d absorb his words for a couple moments, silently, and then you’d ask them to bring a mirror and hold it up for you. You’d look into the mirror and see yourself, just a head lying on a pillow with hair spread out around you and a bandage at the bottom of your neck. Everyone would be looking at you, expecting you to freak out, but instead of freaking out, you’d smile and say something like, “Well, looks like I’m ahead of the game,” and everyone would feel instantly overcome by your unbelievable, almost inhuman, sense of humor. Soon word would spread all over the hospital about the incredible girl on the fourth floor who got her entire body removed except for her head but was still cracking jokes and living gracefully, and everyone would just marvel at the beauty of the human spirit.
January 25th, 2010 at 11:18 pm
I’m so happy there’s more again.
January 25th, 2010 at 11:21 pm
Thank you! : )
January 25th, 2010 at 11:36 pm
I am also very pleased. I would check your website and when there wasn’t new stuff, I had to remind myself, “Edith is not here to entertain me. Edith has other things to do.”
January 26th, 2010 at 11:27 am
YAAAAYYYY!!!!
January 26th, 2010 at 2:33 pm
I have to say I am disappointed because I came here looking for information for my essay on costume designer Edith Head.
I don’t think that’s what this is.
January 26th, 2010 at 4:58 pm
You could stay in shape by doing push-ups with your tongue. Because nobody wants to date a fat head.
January 26th, 2010 at 6:01 pm
Loved it!
January 26th, 2010 at 6:03 pm
Thanks, S.R.!!!
January 26th, 2010 at 9:49 pm
edith? would it be ok if i linked to your blog from my blog? because your blog is kind of everything my blog wishes it could be, and maybe my blog will become better by association, like that time i got my vegan ex-boyfriend to eat bacon just by cooking it near him.
thank you.
January 26th, 2010 at 10:05 pm
Ha–of course! And thank you!
January 26th, 2010 at 10:21 pm
[…] and unfortunately we had to make several major amputations.” – I highly recommend reading on. “Hospital,” Edith Zimmerman [golden […]
January 27th, 2010 at 12:39 pm
as a child I would wish that I would get super fat and then lose the weight and everyone would celebrate me, this is an even better dream because you don’t even have to do any exercise to be celebrated!
As a head you would probably get a sweet mannequin body and a wheelchair you could drive with your mouth. I bet you could write a book with your mouth, and do paintings with your mouth. Even if your paintings weren’t so good, nobody would criticize them because you were just a head and it was quite remarkable you were doing anything at all.
This is my favorite page on the internet
January 27th, 2010 at 1:50 pm
Love it! Heads up!
January 28th, 2010 at 2:48 pm
I feel like I found your blog through fourfour, although I could be totally making that up because I just love both your blogs so much.
So I was just reading fourfour, this (http://fourfour.typepad.com/fourfour/2010/01/robowin.html) post specifically and one of the comments was “My favorite one is “did he die”. No question mark needed. So simple, yet so deceptively well crafted.” Poster ‘Ben’ was referring to a youtube commenter, but it could apply equally well to your blog. After laughing at that, I had to come here to see if you’d written anything new recently… and you had! So now my day is perfect.
This is all meant as a compliment, but I’m not sure it’s coming off that way.
January 28th, 2010 at 2:51 pm
did he die
Perfect. Thank you!
And did you know that I am friends with Rich FourFour IRL? It’s true! Now I’m just showing off, though. But it’s true. We’re BEST FRIENDS. RIGHT RICH?????
January 28th, 2010 at 9:53 pm
Even having your body amputated would not be as awesome as being friends with you and Rich.
January 29th, 2010 at 8:54 am
I hope you don’t let all this praise go to your Head!
January 29th, 2010 at 1:19 pm
That’s not true, Nick. I gladly would date Edith’s fat head.
(Hmm - that was supposed to be a compliment. Did it come across that way? Or was it more creepy than complimentary?)
January 29th, 2010 at 2:46 pm
Thanks, Newland! I will keep that in mind. (Literally, if I am reduced to only a mind.)
January 29th, 2010 at 6:42 pm
I think Edith should marry me.
January 30th, 2010 at 2:42 pm
This is so good it defies clever retorting. My favorite so far. And better than Æsop!
February 1st, 2010 at 3:42 pm
Did you read about the girl who died last week, so sad, made me think of this story. She told her mom to think happy thoughts, little kids just kill me sometimes. http://www.nydailynews.com/news/2010/01/28/2010-01-28_jasmina_anema_brave_sixyearold_who_captured_new_yorkers_hearts_loses_battle_with.html
February 17th, 2010 at 9:39 pm
hahahahaha
oh my god i love you so much.
wow. i truly marvel at the beauty of the human spirit [wipes tear]
March 21st, 2010 at 12:01 pm
[…] chopped-off head girl had no problem meeting guys. Everywhere she went, they were always flirting with her and trying to […]
April 9th, 2010 at 12:21 am
hi edith, we were once college classmates of sorts. this is the first time i have read your blog in a while but i always like your stories. that includes this one, which reminded me of an experience in my own life i will share.
parameters: age 14; fractured skull; at ear, nose, and throat doctor; doctor tells me to be careful when showering because water could sneak in through my ear (fracture is behind ear).
my response: “well i guess then i’d really have showering on my mind.”
but in real life the doctor does not laugh. i think you should always humor a patient, especially a victim of severe head trauma. i have since never attempted to tell another joke.
April 9th, 2010 at 7:31 am
Jeb! What a horrible doctor, but what a great joke! I’m marveling at the beauty of your human spirit right now. (Quoting myself? Perfect!)
April 14th, 2010 at 2:17 pm
Your story reminded me of the time my brother had the entire left-hand side of his body amputated after a horrible car accident. He woke up in the hospital and the doctor told him not to worry, he would be all-right.
April 27th, 2010 at 3:35 pm
[…] a while, chopped-off head girl got tired of having no body. “Everyone thinks I’m a freak,” she said to her friends. And even […]